Sex, Power, and the Dating Marketplace (Part 1): How We Lost the Art of Relationship-Building
Modern dating has become an exhausting, high-stakes game. Swipe-based apps, algorithms, curated profiles, and endless relationship “rules” from self-help gurus have turned what used to be an organic process of connection into a transactional exchange—where people treat love like a marketplace, measuring value based on looks, status, and rigid “pros and cons” lists.
Dating as a Marketplace: The Rise of Transactional Love
Thanks to dating apps and social media, attraction has been turned into an economy, and dating is treated as an optimization problem. Profiles act as resumes, highlighting desirable traits and minimizing flaws. People swipe based on split-second judgments, weighing their “options” as if choosing a product. The underlying message? Find the highest-value partner possible, invest only if there’s a guaranteed return, and exit if a better deal comes along. Phrases like:
“Don’t text back too quickly; it lowers your value.”
“Don’t date someone who doesn’t meet all your criteria.”
“Know your worth and never settle.”
…all of which reinforce the idea that dating is about securing the best deal, rather than fostering a meaningful connection.
The Problem with Treating Dating Like an Optimization Process
Transactional dating assumes that love should be logical, controllable, and “efficient.” But this approach has major flaws:
People Aren’t Checklists – Chemistry, emotional safety, and relational depth cannot be neatly quantified. When we judge people based on a rigid set of criteria, we often overlook the most meaningful aspects of compatibility.
Real Connection is Messy, Not Optimized – Relationships require emotional risk. But dating strategies often emphasize “winning” rather than building something real. Playing games like waiting to text back or keeping emotional distance only delays genuine intimacy.
Love is About Mutual Investment, Not Keeping Score – A relationship isn’t a balance sheet where each person tallies who gives and who takes. When we see dating as a transactional exchange, we create conditions for mistrust rather than connection.
The Irony of Modern Dating: Contradicting What Relationships Need
Despite how much dating culture has emphasized self-empowerment and efficiency, the very qualities that foster meaningful relationships—vulnerability, patience, and adaptability—are being sidelined.
People crave emotional intimacy but fear emotional exposure: Vulnerability is necessary for connection, but dating has become a game of who cares less. Emotional withholding, strategic texting, and keeping options open are all encouraged as ways to avoid getting hurt.
We demand authenticity but curate our dating selves: Many claim they want a “real” connection, but modern dating is full of curated Instagram lives, filtered photos, and self-branding. People struggle to show up as their true selves for fear of rejection.
We desire long-term love but engage in short-term optimization: Dating has become about maximizing immediate gratification rather than nurturing a connection that can withstand time and challenge.
These contradictions create cognitive dissonance—people feel frustrated and confused because the dating culture they participate in doesn’t align with what they truly need from a relationship.
💡 Shift from transactional thinking to relational presence
Instead of evaluating people like a list of assets, focus on how you make each other feel.
Are you emotionally safe with them? Do you prioritize being a safe person to them?
Does the relationship allow for emotional transparency?
Can you be yourself authentically? Do you allow them to show up as themselves?
Does the relationship encourage growth and curiosity?
Let go of the need to “optimize” every step, and instead, lean into curiosity—real connection happens in the in-between moments, not in perfect calculations. Rather than chasing perfection, embrace connection as a process. Love thrives in the space where we feel seen, valued, and free to be human.
