Sex, Power, and the Dating Marketplace (Part 2): The Hidden Cost of Dating Like a Game
In the first part of this series, I wrote about how treating dating as a marketplace and transactional thinking is failing us and offered an alternative way of shifting from transactional love to relational presence. Here, I will explores sex, power, and control, offering a nuanced discussion on why dating feels like a game—and how it doesn’t have to be.
Sex as a Currency vs. a Connector
The transactional nature of dating extends beyond emotional investment and into the realm of physical intimacy. Today’s culture often treats sex as either:
A tool for securing connection (“If I sleep with them too soon, they won’t respect me.”)
A way to withhold power (“I won’t have sex with them until they commit.”)
A test of compatibility (“We should sleep together early to make sure we’re sexually compatible before getting serious.”)
Sex, at its core, is a deeply personal and relational act that can build intimacy and connection. But when it’s approached through a lens of power—whether as a bargaining chip, an obligation, or a test—it often leads to more confusion and disconnection than clarity.
Instead of viewing sex as part of the organic unfolding of a relationship, many daters feel pressured to either weaponize it for influence or treat it as a transactional step in determining long-term viability. Both approaches distort what sex can be: a deeply connected, mutually fulfilling experience that enhances emotional intimacy.
💡 Reclaim sex as a relational experience, not a power move—Instead of using sex as a tool for control, validation, or leverage. Ask yourself:
“Am I engaging in this connection with full awareness of my emotional needs?”
“Do I feel empowered and safe in my sexual choices?”
Sex should be an extension of intimacy and expression of connection, not a means to an end. Challenge the narratives that tell you when or how you should engage in intimacy and focus on what feels right for you and your relationship, not external expectations.
Power and “High-Value” Dating Strategies: "Who Holds the Upper Hand?”
Much of today’s dating advice centers around power. The idea of maintaining leverage in a relationship has taken precedence over mutual understanding, with phrases like:
“Be the prize—make them chase you.”
“The person who cares less has the most power.”
“Never let them think they have you.”
This emphasis on power makes dating feel like a competitive sport rather than a process of building intimacy. These tactice encourages guardedness, preventing people from forming real bonds. Instead of prioritizing authentic connection, it encourages manipulation. Love cannot thrive in an environment where vulnerability is perceived as weakness.
What gets lost in all this strategy is the fundamental truth that healthy relationships require equal power, shared vulnerability, and emotional generosity. When one person is constantly trying to maintain control—whether through withholding affection, limiting emotional availability, or playing games—the relationship never deepens into true intimacy.
💡 Normalize Vulnerability Instead of Control—Power does not equal connection. Instead of obssessing over who has the upper hand, ask yourself:
“Am I showing up as my true self?” “
“Am I creating an environment where the other person feels safe to do the same? “
Authenticity is not a weakness. The strongest relationships are built on mutual emotional investment, not manipulation.
Embracing the Erotic Energy of Power in a Healthy Way
While dating power plays can be damaging, power itself is not inherently bad—when consensual and explored with intention, it can actually enhance intimacy. Many relationships thrive when partners embrace the erotic energy of power dynamics in ways that deepen trust, communication, and pleasure.
In the world of kink, power is explored with intentionality, clear boundaries, and ongoing consent. Contrary to mainstream misconceptions, kink is not about manipulation or coercion—it’s about creating a negotiated and mutually fulfilling dynamic where both partners feel safe and empowered to explore their desires.
💡 Explore power with consent, curiosity, and playfulness: If power dynamics intrigue you, consider how you can integrate them into your relationship in a consensual and ethical way. Whether it’s through exploring dominance and submission, role play, or simply discussing fantasies openly, kink offers a structured way to explore power with honesty and trust. Rather than seeing power as a tool for control in dating, embrace it as an avenue for deeper pleasure, communication, and intimacy.
